Hope everyone likes this one, or at least tolerates it.

Boldly going where others had gone before and meekly going where few have been.

I don't own any of these characters or situations
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Juuban part 7

*****************

Inside her own mind, a female Ranma stared at the male version of herself, and gapped as her male version shifted halfway to mirror her female half before shifting back to male. The male Ranma released her arm and stood back from her.

"Who in the hell are you?"

"I’m you, or parts of you." the male version of herself answered.

"What the hell are you talking about? I'm me."

"I am what and who you think should have been, if Pluto didn’t screw with our life, plus other things."

"What's it! I'm officially insane now." Ranma groaned, head in hand.

"You are not insane - yet, but if you do not deal with this problem you soon will be." a calm voice from nowhere spoke.

"What do you mean will be? Does a sane person go through this?" Ranma retorted angrily at the voice, then quieter "And who and the heck are you?"

"I am you. I am the memory of your past life, the one's you have been remembering through dreams."

"That is a past that is dead and gone - this is the here and now. we were meant to be born, live and die a man not this." the male Ranma said while gesturing at Ranma female form.

"Hey watch it buddy! I happen to like the way I am, thank you very much, and if you think I'm going back to putting up with being half of anything, you're dead wrong." Ranma replied, hands on hips, she then address the voice, "Um... how can a memory talk?"

"I am a manifestation of that part of your personality."

"Doesn't matter what you were, all that matters is we had our life stolen from us. We must take it back, and get revenge on those who have tried to steal it."

"What?"

"To must choose what you are going to do. Try to live in the dead past or take control of your life and live in the here and now."

"I already told you, I'm not going back to being half of something. So just give it up."

"No."

Ranma blinked, then said, "What do you mean "No", I already told -"

"You told me, but you’re not sure yourself, if you were we wouldn't be having this conversation." the male Ranma said matter of fact manner.

"Wha...?"

"This is a mental representation of the combined remnants of the doubt, fear, paranoia and other negative aspects of your personality within you that is preventing you from becoming whole.”

"That's crazy! Well maybe not so crazy, " then she muttered, "not as crazy as everything else that has happened to me. But, if I have already decided -"

"But you have your doubts, doubts that is manifesting itself and combining with other facets of your personality. It is fortunate that you chosen a male version of former yourself to represent the negative aspects of your personality, but that as you saw, is slowly changing.”

“Why is that?”

“Because if you had chosen a female version to represent your negative parts of you personality it would then have immediate access to Sailor Sun’s power, it is however, trying to adapt so to gain access to that power... for vengeance.”

"Then what I'm I?" Ranma asked.

"You are the dominate personality that has been formed by being broken and then built over the last half year. You are the one that must tie everything together to become whole."

"So you're my doubts?" Ranma asked of the male Ranma.

"I am everything you think you should have been, combined with your doubts, fear, mistrust and paranoia built up over the time since being kicked out into the streets and more recent events with Happosai and Pluto." the male version explained.

"What would you do if you were to ever be dominate?"

"I would take what power I can get my hand’s on -” the male version eyed the heart of the crystal and just for a split second, looked like a female Ranma’s twin before reverting to the male form, “-and punish those that have wronged me and were out to get me. Pops, the Tendo's, Sailor Pluto, the old ghoul, Ryoga-"

"Why? We can't go around "punishing" people we don't like - "

"Like you did with Happosai." male Ranma said flatly.

"That's different, I thought he was endangering people. I was defending them like I would defend anyone else!" Ranma said.

"Anyone?" the male one asked with a smirk on his face.

Ranma looked at the smirking male version of herself and said, "If I use to look anywhere near as cocky as you do now, it's a wonder that more people weren't out to kill me."

The male Ranma responding by smirking even bigger.

Female Ranma sighed, and looked up implored, "Why me? Why does this stuff happen to me?"

"It is your birthright, the power to be Sailor Sun is bounded to your soul, passed on life time to life time. It has always been with you, always - you just never became aware of it because your were male. The more you accepted being female the more "in tune" you became with your memories and your true self."

"But, I still like girls!" Ranma exclaimed.

"You can still be a girl and be bisexual. You were before, you will naturally start to be again."

“Again?” Then suddenly a image of a memory circle visually through the mindscape, Ranma wide eye squeaked, “Oh.”

“You must accept your past in order to move ahead.”

"How would I do that?" Ranma asked, shaking the visual out of her head.

"Slowly and carefully, if you try to go too fast you could harm yourself. You have been alive for only 16 years in this life, but as Sailor Sun it was nearly 1500 years. To try to assimilate it all of the memories at once would be like trying to fit 10 lbs of rice in a half pound bag."

"1500 years? I lived that long?"

"Yes, before your death. The only one that has lived longer is Pluto."

"She's the one that did this to us." The male Ranma interjected, "She should be punished as well."

"Enough with the punishment crap." Ranma snorted at her male self before turning her attention back to the faceless voice. "What do I have to do?"

"Touch the heart of the crystal, the magic within this will free you enough to become Sailor Sun. Your memories of your past will slowly come to you over time- don't try to rush them. Let them continue to come as they have been."

"If I do, what will happen to him?" Ranma indicating the male one with a jerk of her head.

"He will become part of your memory of this life like everything else you have experienced, added to the greater whole."

"But I should be the whole, none of you have any right to claim anything." the male interjected.

Ranma ignored him and asked,”What would happen to me?”

“I am not sure, but as the dominate personality not much - maybe.”

There was a long silence.

"There is a third choice." Ranma announced abruptly ending the silence.

"What is that?" replied the voice.

"I could forget about the both of you and live just like I am." Ranma said firmly to her "other selves".

"That would be ill advised."

"No! You can't do that, want about me, what about pay back?" the male one said almost pleading.

"Who's to stop me? You already said I was the dominate personality, why shouldn't I?" Ranma asked.

"Because, even though you are the dominate personality now doesn’t mean you will always be. You’re not complete. A mind divided cannot stand and will eventually fall. We must be joined or we will fall into insanity."

"And you must punished those who have hurt you." the male version interjected.

Ranma rolled her eyes, won't this guy just give up on the punishment thing? Ranma was getting a headache - figuratively and literally - over the entire affair.

"Okay, let me see if I got this all straight," Ranma said having a strange, and very strong case of deja vu, "first I am a reincarnation of Sailor Sun who died a hell'va long time ago and Pluto arrange it for me to fall in the 'spring of the drown girl' so I could remember being Sailor Sun and fight some enemy that she thinks is coming,...”

The male Ranma nodded as the voice stated "Correct."

"... and then on top of that I now I have leftover pieces of my former self combined with all my doubts and fears and other negative junk holding me back who looks like my old male self... "

The male Ranma nodded as the voice stated "Correct."

"... who would like to be the one in charge so he can go out and punish everyone who he thinks done me wrong, not that it matters anymore... "

The male Ranma nodded as the voice stated "Correct."

"... and now I may go insane unless I can come to terms with this fact and embrace 1500 years of memories from a past life, but not too fast or I'll go insane anyway, as if I'm not that already..."

The male Ranma nodded as the voice stated "Correct."

".. and now all I have to do is to touch the magic within the crystal that is my soul and it would allow me to become Sailor Sun and then I’ll begin to become psychologically whole, but I might cease being who I am now."

The male Ranma nodded as the voice stated "Correct."

Ranma sighed, big time and stared out into the void that surrounded her, her male half and the crystal.

"Do you know how stupid this sounds?" she finally said.

The male Ranma nodded as the voice stated "Correct.", then the male Ranma and the voice blinked audibly and face-faulted. (don't ask how a voice blinks and face-faults)

Yup, it was deja vu all over again.

****************

Sailor Pluto was beside herself on how could she have miscalculated so badly. She of course expected some negative reaction, especially toward herself, but the complete failure of Ranma transformation was completely unpredicted. Furthermore was that Moon's Healing power seem to have no effect on the curse, this should have not been possible. Something must have protected the curse but as to what she was not sure.

Right now she wasn’t sure of anything except her jaw still hurt like hell.

And to top things off was the slight earthquake that occurred today. It was very small compared to ones that have struck in the past, hardly a mention in the news. But Pluto knew better. She knew it was Ranma that had set it off. Safe guards that were built into Sun at the moment of her creation just in case she was attacked in her untransformed state, fear and other emotions that were tied into base survival instincts were pulling small amounts of power subconsciously. This was bad, very bad. If Ranma was feeling threaten by what has happened than she could become a bigger danger that the First Enemy.

It could be worse if Ranma decided to go insane.

Pluto was further frustrated by the fact she always had problems watching Ranma through the Gates of Time. Right now she had no problems seeing where she was right now, sitting there on a park bench, eyes closed seemingly enjoying the morning. It was her nature that made it impossible sometimes even to know where she was, like that helped last night. God, what a screw-up.

If Ranma was going insane or tapping into powers she was not aware of, Pluto would have to find a way to deal with it. Even if it meant killing Ranma.

*****************

Ranma still facing off against her long, but not quite forgotten past and a reminder of her recent, wish she could forget past, sighed heavily at it all. Why her?

“Look guys, I need to think about this.”

“What’s there to think about, let’s just go back and get reven -” the male Ranma began before getting cut off by the female one.

“No. That’s out, if you think I’m going to let a psycho like you out, you have another thing coming.”

“Then you have decided to accept?” the voice asked.

“No, I haven’t decided anything yet. I just need to do what I said: think. Now if you will excuse me.” and with that Ranma opened her eyes and cleared her mind away. She then felt a slight creepy feeling of being watch come over her before shaking it off and turning to more pressing matters.

[Man my life just gets better and better.] she thought as she stood, stretched unconsciously in a way that gave passing boys nosebleeds. Seeing that it was starting to get late in the morning Ranma decided to head for home. Maybe she could find some answers there.

******************
Ranma was making her way home thinking about everything that had happen. It didn't help that Happosai used some mind altering pressure points to make her start doubting almost everything around her. At least Sailor Pluto didn't resort to that...

Wait a minute.

[Pluto was responsible for my curse.] Ranma thought, [She didn't use pressure points, but she was responsible for my curse in the first place and made damn sure that I was placed in a position that I would become vulnerable and open to suggestion... yeah and then... what?]

Ranma stopped on the side walk and pondered this point some more.

[Maybe she knew I would end up on the streets... that's when my thinking change. When did my thinking change?] Ranma shook her head, [I can't remember, it was such a slow and gradual thing I didn't even know about it.]

Ranma struggled with the unpleasant thoughts, while she began walking again at a slower pace.

[Brainwashing,] she concluded, [yeah that's what they call it. She made sure I was broken enough to be brainwashed into what she needed. Bitch.]

About that time in her trek home, Ranma spied Akiko as she was out sweeping the front entryway.

"Did you have a nice walk, dear?" she asked as Ranma came up to her.

"Yes, thank you, I had a lot to think about." Ranma said in a false cheer.

"Anything you're ready to talk about?"

Ranma thought about that for a moment, she did want to talk about it, but it was trying to decide how much to tell, she finally decided on everything. Akiko has treated her like family even before she was formally adopted into the clan. But, in a sudden attack of paranoia, Ranma considered the possibility that maybe Akiko was some pressure point or brainwashed based illusion. Shaking that off, Ranma decided to talk with Akiko, if she were real it would help, if she was some illusion then it wouldn’t make any difference.

"Well granny, it's kinda a long story - and unbelievable one at that."

"It couldn't be anymore unbelievable than what you already been though, can it?" Akiko said with a hint of worry in her voice.

Ranma had a "try me" look on her face as she answered, "I think so. Is Michiko around? I think she should be here, too."

"I'm afraid not, she went over to Hitomo to help her get some more gatchapon’s for her collection. I told her you were troubled by something and went for a walk to think some things out. She did say if you were up to it, you could catch up and join them, she said you knew the place."

Ranma thought about that, joining her friends and forgetting all about her conversation with her "other selves", but she desperately wanted to talk to someone about this, and couldn't wait. It felt as if a weight had been placed upon her shoulders and it was slowly crushing her, mentally and spiritually.

"I really need to talk about it now, please. I just don't know how comfortable I would be at certain points."

"Just tell me want you're comfortable with, and we'll deal with the details later."

Ranma and Akiko retired into the confines of the restaurant and settled on a table in the back after locking the door behind them. Ranma proceeded to tell about the events last night unedited. Akiko for her part listened patiently and asked questions where she needed something clarified.

"... so you see, my curse is unlocked and I don't feel ... comfortable being... a boy anymore. Dealing with that and everything else that has happened last night has left me... I don't know, I guess I'm doubtful of everything."

Akiko thought about this interesting turn of events. "Ranma." she finally said. "do you remember when you first came here? I asked you if you were a boy or a girl and you said you didn't consider yourself either?"

Ranma thought back, she recalled something like that and nodded.

"Well, it's just that now you said you're happier as a girl, yet you are unsure if that is how you really feel or something that you were lead to believe." Akiko continued.

Ranma nodded.

"But, if you were happy as a girl, why did you get your curse unlocked by that Sailor Moon?'

"I don’t know why, I think at that moment it didn't have to anything to do with being a girl or a boy, I was just angry that the choice that should have been mine was taken out of my hands. It should have been my choice and no one else's." Ranma answered, mildly defensive.

"Well, with that is mind, how do you see yourself now?" Akiko gently asked.

Ranma hesitated, she thought some more and still hesitated. Then screwed up her courage and spoke "Granny, I’m happy as a girl now, to tell you the truth I'm happier now for the most part than I ever been in my life. I think of myself as being mostly a girl now. But somewhere deep in the back of my head I hear a male voice calling to me, saying I shouldn't be happy like this, that I should be a boy. To top of that off I’m not sure if being happy as a girl is what I truly want or this is something I was tricked into thinking I want."

"I see. Now what are you going to do?"

"I plan on staying like I am, I think." Ranma said somewhat unsure.

There was a pregnant pause.

"Ranma I'll tell you how I see it. You heart, your body and for the most part your mind has decided. But you still have a small parts of you that is uncertain. You are going to have to deal with those parts of your mind or I don't think you can every really be happy... or complete."

Ranma sighed, she had came to that conclusion as well. Nothing in her life seems simple. Most kids her age were trying to decide what field of study they want to go into in college, or who they want to date, or whether to go to the beach or not. For her, she was just trying to stay sane and decide if everything around her was real or not. Why can't anything be normal for her?

The hardest fight was going to be the one with herself. It was a fight she truly couldn't run from, but she knew like everything else in her life she really didn’t have a choice.

Choice. She realized that she really didn’t have a choice.

"Want are you going to do about Happosai's offer?" Akiko broke into Ranma's thoughts.

Ranma sighed, "I don't know, I can't claim a moral high ground. Looking back even before Nerima, I would get into fights for the stupidest reasons or in the name of training or something or other, and wreak buildings or damage property all around me fighting whomever. I guess in a way, I'm not much better than he is, from a certain point of view."

Akiko raised her eyebrow, but didn't comment.

"Thanks for listening, I guess I got a lot to think about, huh?"

Akiko nodded and stopped Ranma with a upraised hand, "Ranma if you are this Sailor Sun, you know this is something you should not be telling everyone."

"Yeah, but you're different, if I can't talk to you or Michiko, who can I talk to?"

"I'm not saying that you shouldn't have said anything, but I think for now you should keep it between you and I." Akiko amended.

Ranma thought about it for just a second before replying, "Yeah, I can see your point. Granny its been a long night and even longer morning, would you mind if I lay down for a bit?"

Akiko smiled at Ranma, "You go right ahead, dear. I'll tell Michiko and any of your friends that show up that you're not feeling very well right now and are laying down resting."

"Thanks." Ranma said as she return Akiko's smile, and with that Ranma climbed the stairs to the living quarters and after removing her shoes headed for the living room to lay down.

Ranma laid there, not sleeping in spite of the fatigue of the recent events. Akiko was always good to talk to, and even if she was not closer to a solution than before, it felt good to "take the load" off her mind. One thing that Akiko said kept coming back to her, "You are going to have to deal with those parts of your mind or I don't think you can every really be happy... or complete." Leave it to Akiko to hit the nail on the head and reaffirm what Ranma already knew. Ranma was going to have to deal with the problem, staying like she was, was out of the question and just delayed the inevitable. If she understood correctly, if her other self could take charge and things could get dangerous for everyone around her.

Ranma sighed, her life was never easy, and it just kept getting harder. It just that she felt she hardly ever got any "down time" to rest physically or mentally, that she always have to deal with something that's always going on around her or in this case, in her. Ranma sighed again, [Can I ever catch a break?]

She knew she had to choose, even though she just realized talking with Akiko she really had no choice. Her “other half” was hung up on punishing everyone, and might be a little homicidal, if it decided to have a "sex change” to gain access to the power it craved, things could go very badly.

“...All that we are and all that we ever are going to be is the end result of all of our memories." words that Happosai spoke last night came back to haunt her.

If she embraced the magic within her soul and the memories that will eventually come with it, will it mean losing everything that she is now? That scared her - which memories would take precedence? The one that made her who she is today or the 1500 years that came before?

Either thought was unsettling in its own way.

Wearily Ranma drifted off into a trouble sleep.

***************

Akiko downstairs was thinking of the conversation she just had with Ranma. She knew from Ranma's own admission and the research that her brother did on her life that she lived a adventuresome and difficult life. How could anyone that young survive all that she had been though and mentally stay in one piece? Maybe she didn't, but she knew Ranma was telling the truth, at least how she saw the truth. Akiko felt she had always been a good judge of character and Ranma couldn't tell a good lie to save herself. Sigh. Poor child, whatever did you do to have such a life. No matter, if Ranma decides to go back to being a man (which Akiko thought was unlikely) or stay as she is, Akiko would support whatever decision Ranma made. Akiko just hoped whatever the decision that Ranma made, it would be the right one.

***************

Flying through the high, she shot through the sky. She loved how the layer of clouds would hang above her like a ceiling one second and the next, trailing wisps of vapor behind her as flew through them.

Twisting and turning, riding the wake of spacial distortion like a surfer would a wave, she danced among the small tides of twisted space, laughing while doing so. Moving right to left, zipping up and down she reveled in the freedom that flying gave her. Oh, she loved this as much as dancing, even more so than training - she could spend hours doing this. She hadn’t been getting the opportunity to do this often though, between missions for the Queen, bodyguard work and simple massager work to extra-solar empires she had been keeping quite busy. It was odd how the queen would set her off on a job a quarter of the galaxy away, in the open to whomever was there, yet keep her existence secret from the other scouts and nobles in the upper court.

Oh, well she had a little time, might as well enjoy it. With that thought she distorted the space around her feet even more and streaked high across the sky like a meteor blazing a smoking trail behind her. She curved her trajectory upward and with a back flip, dove for the ground.

The clouds that she just pasted through going up were quickly left behind in her wake. The ground, so far below, neared with every passing second. She grinned. Pointed head first she continued her dive, all along thinking "This is going to be great." The ground was closing faster now, her target in sight far below her. Narrowing her eyes in concentration, for she didn't want to miss her mark, her grin enlarged into a smile.

Timing was everything.

Shooting down from directly above her target, she came to a sudden crashing halt, stopping about four feet above her victim’s head. She stopped, but the column of air that was trailing behind her didn't. With a mighty whoosh that followed the raised winds that hit the ground and spread out over her target, she laughed out loud as her victims elegant clothes swirled up and about as the long blond locks of the women hair spiraled around her body, entangling her.

The maelstrom passed quickly and with a look of annoyance, the victim of her practical joke look her right in the eye as Ranma, who still hovered above looked down, grinned and said, "Hello Queen Serenity. What can I do for you today?"

***************

Ranma stirred from her slumber.

[Man, I gotta do something. These dreams alone will drive me nuts.]

"You cannot escape who you are."

[Great, you again. I told you I needed to think, so let me alone.]

"I can't "let you alone" you and I are just two parts of the whole, you are the dominate personality now, but that can change. What would happen if the slightly insane remnants of your personality decides to change into a female personality and assert itself . You say you won't let it, but way else would you have chosen to try for cure when you were happy as you were?"

[You're saying that the real reason I tried for a cure was because of my male half "took over"?]

"Not exactly "take over", but heavily influence your decision making capabilities. It probably hoped that you would have accepted your male body and leave it uncontested in trying to gain power. You will have to be more careful of it’s influence in the future until you have become whole."

[As careful as you trying to influence me now?"] Ranma thought sarcastically.

"Believe what you will, but in the end you will have to do something or lose your sanity or worse, and all that is dear to you."

[Just leave me alone, I gotta think.]

Ranma basked in the resulting silence in her head and tried to get back to sleep. Failing that, she rose and went downstairs, maybe it was time for another talk.

"Granny?" she said tentatively

"Yes dear, what is it?"

"About what I said earlier - what do you think I should do?" Ranma asked, hoping that there was another way.

"I think you should do what's right for you and no one else."

"O - kay... what would you do if you were me?"

"I can't really say, dear. I'm afraid if I tell you anything it would harm whatever trust you have in me."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, from what you said earlier it seem to come down to a matter of choice, or in your case, a lack of choice. Well if I told you what I thought, you might think I was trying to decide for you one way or another."

"But, I'm just asking for advice, it's not like you're telling me what to do."

"Maybe, but the situation as it is, anything I say could be misunderstood as a manipulation, and you know how badly you said you reacted to that last night with Happosai and that Sailor Pluto."

"Granny, I would never think that -" Ranma began.

Akiko held up a hand, silencing Ranma, "You think and feel that now, but what about later? Ranma this is really something only you can decide on."

"Granny - I'm ... I'm scared ... it's too big. Whatta I’m going to do?"

Akiko smiled, "That's "what should I do" and as for that, search your feelings and go with them, and only you can make this decision for yourself."

"Thanks." Ranma said somewhat dejectedly. "I'll think I'll grab a bite to eat and walk around a bit - you know and think."

"That sounds like a fine ideal, just be back it time for dinner." Akiko said with a soothing tone.

With that Ranma raided the kitchen and then headed out the door.

*******************

Ranma roamed the neighborhood not really paying attention to where she was going. She was deep in thought and feeling more that slightly trapped in the situation she found herself in. There didn't seem to be any up side to her dilemma and the only one way out seem like it would be end of her as she thought of herself. It didn't help that she kept wondering if the whole thing was real or not, the ideal that maybe this was all something that Cologne might have done to her reared it's ugly head and brought with it a whole host of other equally unpleasant possibilities. Ranma's hands started to shake as she let her paranoia run rampant for a few minutes, after that she quickly squelched any thoughts along those lines. If this was all real, then in was just as bad as any nightmare she could come up with anyway.

She was scared. Scared to a point that she was not afraid to say so to Akiko. Too many people had messed with her mind, Happosai with his pressure points and Pluto just with her life in general.
Her life, did she really have her own life or was it nothing more than a plaything or tool to be used by other people? Ranma started feeling angry at this new train of thought.

[How dare they! Who in the hell do they think they are? Why, I should teach them a lesson on how not to mess with other people's lives. Yeah, that's it! I'll just summon Happosai and this time make sure his stays dead, and as for Pluto I'll...]

Ranma stopped that train of thought and her walk at the same time.

Shaking her head, [No! I can't start thinking that way. If I do I might... start thinking like... that... dammit! I bet I'm being influenced by that psycho again. I got to keep my thoughts mine... how do I do that? God this is hard, how do I know which thoughts are mine and which aren't?]

If doubting reality is tough, imagine trying to figure out if what you're thinking is really what you're thinking. Frustrated, Ranma punched a light pole without thought, putting a large dent in the metal. Looking around for any witnesses she frantically thought, [Oh no! I gotta get a hold of myself, someone could get hurt.] Ranma hurried from the scene, sweating with worry and haunted by the unpleasant thoughts.

She eventually found herself a few blocks over, sitting on a bench in front of a boarded up store with "for rent" signs displayed out front. Even with the store being empty the surrounding stores still brought in a crowd that passed by, unnoticed by her.

She tried to think, but was stall or frustrated at every turn. She would think only so far before questioning her own thoughts, then she tried to double-back on her thoughts to rethink what she was thinking about, only to question her rethinking. It was quite maddening. It was some time before she shook out of her seemingly endless loop of non-thoughts.

[Gotta get a hold go myself] Ranma tried to reaffirmed herself, [if I can't trust my own thoughts then I'm really going insane.]

Insane.

That what it was.

That what she was doing.

At least now she was sure of something.

Ranma sat quietly on the bench as the afternoon progressed, descending into a exploration of madness.

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