December 2003
By Dawn Voss
Childfree? Childless? Ask any number of people to explain the difference between the two and a large majority of them would not be able to comply. Choosing not to have children is called ‘childfree’ and it is just that – a choice; being childless is not a choice and likely biologically based.
Society tends toward labeling the childfree as selfish, uneducated, maladjusted, hedonistic, irresponsible, and just plain weird. Nothing could be farther from the truth. During my research I discovered that many people feared they would be lost or bored if they did not become parents. Had I felt qualified enough, I would have helped them understand that the choice to be childfree means many other choices are available. I mentioned, however, that we ‘No Kidders’ are proof that a life not spent raising a child can be a happy, exciting, complete one. My husband and I have been labeled “unnatural” because we’re not “continuing the lifecycle.” We were initially shocked at this and other types of reactions, but we have always referred to us as a family of two – unless you include our dog and fish. I believe each of us has the capacity to be a nurturer of our families, our friends, our pets, and ourselves.
A growing number of people are deciding not to have children and their reasons are as varied as their personalities. According to a study by the National Center for Health Statistics, in 1975 about one in 11 women was without children by the age of 44; today that number is about one in six. I was surprised by the increasing volume and wondered briefly if it meant our population growth would someday be zero. Common sense, however, dictates that, as sure as the tide will ebb and flow, each generation will have its own unique percentage of non-parents.
During my research, I learned how childfree people felt about their choice, how their families reacted, what advice they might offer those who have not yet made a decision, and more. I developed a set of questions for the “No Kidding!” interviews, which I also printed on index cards for your consideration; I will now distribute a card to each of you. (While distributing them, say the following:) I do not expect you to respond to the questions; I simply ask that you consider them (begin PowerPoint Presentation). As you consider them, please also think about the names you see on the screen in front of you and what you may know about them:
George Washington, Susan B. Anthony, Florence Nightingale, Harriet Tubman, Katherine Hepburn, George Clooney, Dr. Seuss, Georgia O’Keefe, Ella Fitzgerald, Stevie Nicks, Oprah Winfrey, Kevin Spacey, Julia Roberts, Jeff Goldblum, Janeane Garafalo
(Allow an appropriate amount of time and say:) None of the people listed here had or have children.
Recently the St. Louis Post-Dispatch contained an article about a global social group for the childfree called “No Kidding!” Jerry Steinberg formed “No Kidding!” in 1984 in Canada, and today it exists in five countries worldwide. This non-profit social group is for singles and couples who have never had a child. Make no mistake – this is not a support group. My husband and I are members of the organization. When our local group meets, we neither discuss our childfree choice nor do we “bash” hose with children; we share interests and participate in social activities. We also participate in a “No Kidding!” convention held in a different city each year.
Jerry Steinberg, referred to as the “founding non-father” of “No Kidding!”, is in the process of writing a book called, NO KIDDING! Some people don't have children. Jerry has a website that includes personal stories, poetry, and an article called, “License to Parent.” Individual and group insights are shared on the website, one of which is that prospective parents should go through a parental-training program before giving birth.
I interviewed several “No Kidding!” members and received a plethora of well-considered, insightful responses. I begin with Jerry Steinberg’s response to my question concerning advice he might give to others (if approached) who are not sure about their decision: “You've got to make the decision that you hope will be the right one for you. And only those who . . . have to live with the consequences of the decision should be the one(s) making the decision. If you're not sure whether you want children, try the following: At least 20 times a day for a week, ask yourself, ‘How would having a child change what I am doing right now?’ Ask it when you wake up, when you eat, when you talk on the phone, when you read the newspaper, when you exercise, when you go to the bathroom, when you watch TV, when you relax, when you go to bed, etc. Then determine whether most of the changes would be welcomed or resented.” Michelle added, “You have to listen to your heart and look at things realistically. I may be a good mom, but that doesn’t mean I have to be one.” Heather said, “I would tell anybody who is considering being childfree that it is a very personal and individual decision. It is very rewarding in my opinion. It allows you certain freedoms and flexibility that you would otherwise not have . . . You have to be able to go against the norm to be childfree and be strong in your belief.” Vinny replied, “I think that choosing childfreedom, or choosing parenthood, is a very big life decision. Both choices require a lot of thought and soul-searching . . . The decision should not be made lightly, or arbitrarily. The best choice would be to speak with childfree people, and parents, and try to get a full picture of what the benefits and deficiencies exist for each choice.” Lisa offered both her and her husband’s perspective, “My husband and I have a great marriage (5 years). We have known one another since college (met in 1991) and we both feel that kids are a huge chore and put a strain on a marriage. To us marriage shouldn’t be about stress and strain.”
Jeanine sent a copy of an article from the Brazilian newspaper Folha di Sao Paulo. Thankfully it was translated. Cintia Cardoso wrote the article, entitled More American Women Forego Motherhood. In it Jeanine is interviewed about her decision to remain childfree: “I appreciate my freedom and independence. Being a mother would require a great deal of dedication, time and money . . . “ Jeanine made clear her decision was personal, not associated with her career. “I don’t want the responsibility of having to take care of someone. I don’t even have a pet. If I don’t want to change baby diapers, I don’t want to have to clean up after another species either.” Jerry Steinberg and his wife, Grace, also were interviewed for the article. They said, “We like kids, but not 24 hours per day, seven days per week. We like to come home to quiet.”
In response to Are you happy with your choice to be childfree? Cynthia responded, “Yes! And in your question was the most important aspect of this issue: Whether or not to have children is a CHOICE. One that people should spend [a lot] of soul-searching time making. Probably the biggest choice most people will make in their lives.” She and others said it saddened them to know that so few think of it as a choice they should weigh heavily – or at all. Most of those I interviewed said their partner/spouse was in agreement about the childfree decision; all are happy with their decision to remain childfree; most felt they were treated differently because they didn’t have children.
Most of the responders felt they were treated somewhat differently because of their childfree status. Scott said, “Very much so, both professionally and socially.” Kat said she has “worked with people who egregiously abused workplace ‘family-friendly’ policies, and management paid them the same and deliberately looked the other way. I’ve had to stay late, work harder and longer to pick up the slack for people who cut out early to ‘be with their families.’ I never understood why my (at the time) husband and I didn’t qualify as a ‘family.’” Sheila indicated the most prevalent reaction she receives is that she and her husband, Dale, are selfish, “. . . especially because we ‘chose’ not to have children. On the other hand, I’ve had people say things like ‘good for you,’ ‘it’s your choice.’” Dale added, “Yes, I think it (being childfree) may have been a positive factor in my being able to travel internationally for my employer. I get the feeling at times that people think we are ‘strange’ for not wanting kids, but it seems to occur less frequently.”
While being childfree is not for everyone, neither is parenthood. If everybody knew all the options available to them and accepted other’s choices, this would be a wonderful world.
"Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway." – Eleanor Roosevelt. _______________________________________________________________________________________
Resources: “No Kidding!” Founder Jerry Steinberg and members’ contributions.
Cardoso, Cintia. “More American Women Forego Motherhood” Folha di Sao Paulo. (Article provided by Jeanine James.)
Internet (keywords: childfree people; childfree option; childfree organizations, St. Louis; childfree statistics, worldwide; childfree literature; childfree vs childless).