Red meat isn't bad for you; fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Does killing time damage eternity? - George Carlin
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. - Steve Landesberg
Recent studies show that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Stress: the confusion created when the mind overrides the body's basic impulse to strangle some jerk that desperately needs it.
Liberal arts major...will think for money.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The shortest point between two points is under construction. - Noelie Altito
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. - Albert Einstein
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
When you aim for perfection, you discover it's a moving target. - George Fisher
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy... - Ambrose Bierce
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. - Ken Dykes
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
I don't remember being absent-minded. - Frank Kaiser
War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military. - Georges Clemenceau
It's human nature to do keep doing something as long as it's pleasurable and you can succeed at it; which is why the world population continues to double every forty years.
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous.
The way to a man's heart is through his chest. - Roseanne Barr
Today's subliminal thought is:
Anything not nailed down is mine; anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.
Eschew obfuscation. - Norman Augustine
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
To all you virgins: thanks for nothing.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Don't hate yourself in the morning, sleep till noon.
If all is not lost, then where is it? - Bill Carbone
The word "politics" is derived from the Greek "poly-", meaning "many", and the word "ticks", meaning "blood sucking parasites". 
Convictions cause convicts.
Do unto others before they do unto you. - Nicolo Machiavelli
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. - Steven Wright
Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. - Robert Frost
The data structure for amorous computer scientists: multiply linked lust.
God is real, unless of course, he is declared an integer.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. - Steven Wright
If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
A rose by any other name would likely be "deadly thorn-bearing assault vegetation." - Robert Bullock
If we quit voting will they all go away?
Guys:  no shirt, no service.  Gals:  no shirt, no charge.
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the weaponry to make the difference. 
He who turns and runs away gets shot in the back.
Trespassers will be experimented on!
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I have not lost my mind; it's backed up a disk somewhere.
The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.
I think therefore I am, I think...
Art is dangerous. - Duke Ellington
All computers wait at the same speed.
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. - Hubert Humphrey
Be nice to people. They outnumber you 5.5 billion to one.
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. - Hanlon's Razor
On the other hand, you have different fingers. - Steven Wright
If God thought that nudity was O.K., we would have been born naked.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they are not out to get you.
Never let your studies interfere with your education... - Mark Twain
You're not outnumbered; you're just in a target-rich environment.
People usually get what's coming to them, unless it's been mailed.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
It only takes a single child to raze a village.
He who lives by the sword, dies by the crossbow bolt.
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. - Dave Barry
Sleep is an inadequate substitute for caffeine.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. - Ashleigh Brilliant
Don't stand when you can sit, don't sit when you can lie down, and don't do anything that you can get someone else to do.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. - Robert A. Heinlein
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time. - Dave Barry
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
Tact is getting your point across without stabbing someone with it.
Reality is a hypothesis.
There are very few personal problems which can't be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. - FP Jones
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Black holes are where God divided by zero. - Steven Wright
Preserve wildlife...pickle a squirrel.
5 days of the week, my body is a temple; the other two, it's an amusement park.
With Congress, every time they make a joke, it's a law, and every time they make a law, it's a joke.
Think of hummingbirds as the flying penises of flowers.
The new Congressmen say that they're going to turn the government around; I hope that I don't get run over again...
A cheap thrill is still a thrill.
Nice computers don't go down.
Irrationality is the square root of all evil. - Douglas Hofstadter
The universe is laughing behind your back. - National Lampoon
You can't lick the system, but you can certainly give it a damn good fondling.
Saint: a dead sinner revised and edited.
Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?
A cat will blink when struck by a hammer.
I think therefore I am.  I don't think I'll do this homework therefore it doesn't exist.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is at; it's always room temperature.
The cost of feathers is rising, now even down is up.
Yes, but you're taking the universe out of context.
This product sadistically tested on gerbils.
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
The bearing of a child takes nine months, no matter how many women are assigned to the project.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
In case of fire shout "fire."
Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
All generalizations are false.
Don't take life seriously, it is not permanent. 
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. 
Everything that is not mandatory is forbidden. 
Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 
Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense. - Liralin Li
If you can't be good, be careful. - Scott Perry 
I can resist anything but temptation. 
Those who beat their swords into plowshares will plow for those who don't.
Find your aim in life, before you run out of ammunition.
Only users lose drugs.
Do not disturb. Already disturbed! 
Anarchy: it's not the law, it's just a good idea.
Always smile. It makes people wonder what you're up to. 
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. - Philip K. Dick
Rehab is for quitters.
It works better if you plug it in.
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
Atheists are people who have no invisible means of support.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
It takes talent to fall off the floor.
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
If it jams, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Push something hard enough and it will fall over. -  Fudd's First Law
If you can't convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman
Paranoid: someone who just figured out what is going on...
I have animal magnetism - when I go outside, squirrels stick to my clothes.
Just say "no" to one word solutions.
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who doesn't object. -George B. Shaw
Proletarian revolutions are notably ineffective when the ruling class is composed of gods.
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself!
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. 
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. -Canada Bill Jones
It is generally agreed that "hello" is an appropriate greeting, because if you entered a room and said "goodbye" it would confuse a lot of people.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
Organized crime is like the government, but more efficient. - Robert Asprin
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. - Robert C. Gallagher
Devine: de thing de grapes grow on.
Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
Entropy requires no maintenance.
Pro is to Con as Progress is to Congress.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Silly humans. Nothing is catproof.
Solutions are NOT the answer.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
T.V. is a crutch for people who don't have drugs.
Recursive: see Recursive.
I'm not worried about death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen
I can't go to work today; the little voices said stay home and clean the guns.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
The problem with troubleshooting is that real trouble shoots back.
If everything is going your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Accepting reality is the first step to insanity.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
Change your mind; it's starting to smell.
If I save the whales, where do I keep them?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Never run from anything immortal. It attracts their attention. - Peter S. Beagle
Reality?  Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
The universe has no laws, just habits. Habits can be broken.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Caffeine is not a substitute for sheep.
Those not present are always wrong.
I have a firm grip on reality; now I can strangle it.
Reality is the original Rorschach. - Principia Discordi
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it. 
Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain
Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Always remember: Pillage THEN burn.
A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong.
Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATMs?
A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking. - Arthur Bloch
Efficiency is intelligent laziness. - David Dunham
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
All that glitters has a high refraction index.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
If you think that nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple car payments.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. - Laurence J. Peter
It is better to be thought a fool and be silent then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Yo-yo: an object occasionally up but normally down. (see also: computer)
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally  worthless.
A cow is nothing but a machine that makes grass fit for people to eat. - John McNulty
Diplomacy is the art of keeping somebody happy while you look for a baseball bat
In any organization there will always be one person who knows exactly what is going on.  This person must be fired.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Every teacher assumes that you have nothing better to do then to study for that teacher's course.
You shall know the truth; and the truth shall make you odd.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
If computers get too powerful, they could be organized into a committee, that will take care of them.
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the end.
Be wary of strong drink...  It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss. - Robert Heinlien
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, logical, and wrong.
My opinions have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
To be sure of hitting the target shoot first, and whatever you hit, call the target.
Anything that doesn't kill me had better do enough damage to stop me from firing back.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid kids to do it.
There's no normal life, there's just life...
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 
Death to all fanatics!
I am one with my duality.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. 
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room.
He who dies with the most toys, still dies.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students. - Hector-Louis Berlioz
It's not that life is so short, it's that death is so long...
Entropy isn't what it used to be. 
Computers were invented by Murphy.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 
Dead cats never land on their feet. - Frank
Things are never so bad that they can't get worse.
Why get even, when you can get odd? 
Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. 
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder.
Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
If it glows, don't touch it! 
The intensity of the denial is proportional to the amount of guilt.
If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage. 
The probability of something breaking is directly proportional to the urgency of your task.
Things go right so that they can go wrong.
Subvert the dominant paradigm! 
My reality check just bounced. 
You can always find what you are not looking for.
Let's split up, we can do more damage that way. - Ghostbusters
The most expensive component will be the one that breaks.
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 
OK, I'm weird! But I'm saving up to become eccentric. 
We are the people our parents warned us about.
A gun beats four aces.
Practice safe housing, use condos.
Cats humor us because they know that their ancestors ate ours.
Most men would respect a woman's mind more if it bounced gently as she walked.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
If, at any one point in time, you believe that things can't get any worse, cheer up, they will.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Nothing, NOTHING, is ever completely idiot proof.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
You have only one person to blame for your mistakes, somebody else.
If love is blind, lingerie makes great braille.
If it's tourist season, where do I get a license?
I have a rock garden.  Last week two of them died.
I have a grip on reality, just not this particular one.
If you want to know about paranoids, follow them around.
Never say, "Oops!"; always say, "Ah, interesting!" 
Close only counts in horseshoes, handgrenades, and nuclear weapons.
Reality is subjective.
A cat and chocolate are the only real loves money can buy.
Normal is an abstract concept.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
It's only fun if you can get in trouble for doing it.
Shave the whales. Feed Hungary. Free the mallocs.
Life is anything that dies when you stomp it.
Chastity is its own punishment. - David Gerrold
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
The real world is a special case.
Nothing says "I love you" better than six hours of nonstop sex.
If you love someone, cover her in whipped cream.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
Meandering to a different drummer. 
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal-probe?
"Automatic" simply means that you cannot repair it yourself.
A child's ability to endure likely stems from his ignorance of alternatives.
A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. - Du Bois
All turtle thoughts are of turtle.
Any appetite is its own excuse for existing.
Basic research is what you do when you don't know what you are doing.
Education confers understanding, knowledge, and competence; schools confer degrees.
Half of conversation is listening.
In a mad world, only greater madness succeeds.
It is often easier to find the truth than it is to accept it.
It is the manner, and not the content, that marks a gentleman.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - Eleanor Roosevelt
Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark. - Robert Heinlein
It is bad luck to be superstitious. - Andrew Mathis
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. - Sam Brown
Putting a bunch of people to work on the same problem doesn't make them a team. - Gerald Weinberg
Life is a game, the object of which is to discover the object of the game.
When putting it into memory, remember where you put it.
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. - Dale Carnegie
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. - Doctor Who
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with.
Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on.
To be is to do. -  Immanuel Kant
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
Never test for a bug you don't know how to fix.
Quantity is inversely proportional to quality.
All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.
No real problem has a solution. - Smith`s Law
Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics. -Arthur Bloch
As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection. - Horowitz
Dust breeds.
The question is always more important then the answer.
That which has not yet been taught directly can never be taught directly.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods. - Robert Heinlein
There is no direct relationship between the quality of an educational program and its cost. - Terman's Law
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think, and getting out of the way before it is understood.
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them. - Anatole France
Programmer: red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate monsters.
Love is like Pi: natural, irrational, and very important.
Don't follow me or you'll end up at my place.
Get in touch with normal people. Leave us alone.
Since she won't live forever, why give her a diamond?
'Tis the goal of all housecats to become spherical.
1 head, no cylinders, and a 1-track mind.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
No one is as weird as they think they are. Everyone is weirder than others think they are.
Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons. - Bertrand Russell
Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo. -  HG Wells
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. - Carl Jung
The most useless computer tasks are the most fun to do.
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it.
If it isn't broken, fix it till it is.
Professionals are predictable, amateurs are DANGEROUS!
You can play with my mind if you let me play with yours...
I don't approve of your objectives, but I love your methods.
A curved line is the loveliest distance between two points. - Mae West
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
Will fight evil for food.
The time for action has past, now is the time for senseless bickering!
I had my car's alignment checked. It's Chaotic Good!
I forget the dream, but I'm missing my pajamas.
Silk was created so that women could be naked while fully clothed.
I may flirt with insanity, but I have no plans to consummate!
America was FOUNDED by religious nuts with guns.
A man is only as good as what he loves. - Saul Bellow
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. - HL Mencken
I tend to think in simple, clear terms that are wrong.
If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate.
Don't question authority, it doesn't know either.
I had my coat hangers spayed.
Is it possible to feel gruntled?
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. - Will Rogers
It's hard to be serious when you're naked.
Power corrupts, but we need electricity. - Haythum R. Khalid
Scrute the inscrutable, eff the ineffable.
The floggings will continue until morale improves.
A career is a job that takes about 20 more hours a week.
Every valuable idea offends someone.
I have a dirty mind; I mud wrestle with my conscience.
Purranoia: the fear one's cats are up to something.
At least our cows are sane!
Democracy is an abuse of statistics. - Jorge Luis Borges
Suffering is overrated. - Bill Veeck
In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirt. 
You are making progress if each mistake is a new one. 
Evolution stops when stupidity is no longer fatal.
Most people deserve each other. - Shirley's Law
For fast acting relief, try slowing down.  - Lily Tomlin
Television is democracy at its ugliest. - Paddy Chayevsky
I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.
Do I believe in the Bible? Man, I've seen one!
Life is biodegradable art. 
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
Get forgiveness now, for tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
Entomology: I fear no weevil.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. - Milan Kundera
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. - Elvis Costello
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. - Steven Wright
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
There is nothing so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have.
Caution: naughty bits follow... 101001100011101
Civilization is defined by the presence of cats.
Some people shouldn't be allowed to breed.
Void where prohibited by common sense.
A naked man fears no pickpocket.
Know thyself. If you need help, call the CIA.
Friction is gravity in drag.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it. - Ashleigh Brilliant
This is not mind control, think about it.
It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.
Much that is weird could happen on a world on the back of a turtle.
Is numbness a feeling?
Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
Decadence is its own reward. - Tivar Moondragon
Delusions are often functional. - Robert Heinlein
Do not disturb!  Had enough trouble getting turbed in the first place.
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
I am capable of resisting all temptation. I just don't choose to.
What's a pornograph?
I am sick and depraved.  Please feed me drugs and cookies.
I can't make ends meet. However, they do wave to each other.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
A cult is a religion with no political power. - Tom Wolfe
Education can train, but not create, intelligence. - Edward McChesney Sait
How do boneless chickens walk?
Conserve air, breath less.
Giving money to governments is like giving drugs to addicts.
Dominate the perverted subadigm!
Monsters sleep because you are boring, not because they ever get tired.
A good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
Prostitution is a combination of sex and free enterprise.  Which don't you like?
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
Every absurdity has a champion. - Oliver Goldsmith
You must be the change you wish to see in the world. - Mohandas Gandhi
Advertising is legalized lying. - HG Wells
Cats prove that not everything in nature has a function.
Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
How are we to know whether we actually exist or only think we exist?
An idea is not responsible for fools who believe in it.
Electrons are very, very small, but they can gang up and hurt you.
I don't want to kill you; I'd have to do paperwork.
Animals: the renewable resource.
Civilization has always depended on courtesy rather than truth. - Blake's 7
I keep forgetting that rules are only for nice people. - Calvin
Anybody can be born right-handed; only the best of us overcome it.
My brain itches.
Honey does draw more flies, but who wants more flies?
Are birth control pills considered recreational drugs?
Being bored is an insult to oneself. - Jules Renard
Facts without theory are trivia.
Beware the letter 'G'. It is the end of everything.
Help conserve the Earth, promote space colonization.
A mystic is a man who treats his feelings as tools of cognition. - Ayn Rand
Can priests turn other food into God, or only bread?
If a headline ends in a question mark, the answer is "no".
Bunnies and beer don't mix.
Happiness can be the purpose of ethics, but not the standard.
Another casualty of applied metaphysics.
Confusion creates jobs.
Reality crept in and I nailed it for trespassing.
The failure to remain healthy is punishable by death.
But the context destroys my argument!
Don't judge a book by it's movie.
I'm sorry, but all the Muses are busy right now; please hold.
Beer Commercials; are they selling beer or prostitutes?
Courtesy is the lubricant of social intercourse. 
Getting good results by hocus-pocus is frowned upon. - R. Freimuth
Cthulhu loves the little children of the world.
I do visit reality, although it's on a tourist visa.
Discretion is the better part of survival.
Don't do any drugs your President would not do.
Everybody has anatomy, but it looks better on a woman.
It only looks expensive.
Drugs and alcohol make as much sense as religion and politics.
Eat doughnuts, for they are round and all things round are good.
Fame is proof that people are gullible. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Fear is the foundation of most governments. - John Adams
I prefer "We await your compliance", to "Tremble and obey".
Fear of monsters attracts monsters.
First rule of fighting: don't get hit.
Flying is not inherently dangerous; crashing is.
Forecast for tonight: darkness.
If life were logical, men would ride sidesaddle.
Funny how life imitates LSD.
Generalizations are bad.
Imagination is intelligence having fun.
Give us more money, and we'll protect you better.
Good intentions randomize behavior.
If you find a skeleton in your closet, make it dance. - George Bernard Shaw
Government is the only known enemy of intelligent life.
My cat's been cashing my reality checks again.
If it makes you nervous, don't watch.
Growing old is not nice, but it's interesting. - August Strindberg
Lust is not right; it's ambidextrous.
Happiness can't buy money.
Public opinion is just what people think other people are thinking.
Having failed to conquer myself, I hope for an alliance.
Sanity is whatever people let you get away with. - Robert Anton Wilson
Questions are a burden for others; answers are a prison for oneself. - The Prisoner
He who looks like his passport photo is not well enough to travel.
Political power attracts the corruptible.
Hex math would be easier if I had 16 fingers.
The only completely consistent people are the dead. - Aldous Huxley
If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it.
Hold that thought, then wash your hands.
Mirth Control: Proper use of a conundrum.
Studies show that the average person has one testicle and one breast.
Hydrate or Die.
I may be wrong, but that doesn't mean you're right.
Never explain; friends don't need it and enemies won't believe it.
I am a specialist trivioligist, not a general trivioligist.
You can judge a fellow by what he laughs at.
I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
PBS: Shareware TV.
You tell the sex of a chromosome by pulling down it's genes.
Don't lie, cheat, or steal unnecessarily.
I don't need therapy; I need money.
You should refuse to go to a doctor who believes in reincarnation.
Never confuse a motion with an action.
I saw the light; it hurt my eyes.
Don't vote, it only encourages them.
Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
I used to get high on life, but I've built up a tolerance.
Sleep is for wimps, but happy, healthy, and well-rested wimps...
Chivalry ain't dead, it's just being sued for sexual harassment.
I want to love life, but life only wants meaningless sex.
Freedom is unquestioning obedience to authority.
I want what money can't buy: more money!
Censorship reflects a society's lack of confidence in itself. - Potter Stewart
Wisdom corrupts because you understand how corruption can benefit you.
Ice Cream is a dish best served cold.
The true meaning of life is that it ends.
Scholars are a library's way of making more libraries.
Immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.  - John Kenneth Galbraith
Humans want to be good, but not too good and not all the time. - George Orwell
One person's spiritual awakening is another's nervous breakdown.
If your actions don't speak louder than words, then speak loud action words.
Inalienable rights only interfere with the government.
Real love stories never have endings. - Richard Bach
It is easy to be tolerant when you do not care. - Clement Rodgers
Pacts with the devil aren't legally binding.
It is the test of a good religion whether you can joke about it.
Statistics are no substitute for good judgment. - Henry Clay
Have we degenerated to a nation controlled by lawyers?
Longer life through superior firepower.
Confusion is brought on by a firm grasp of reality.
Make sure Reality is not twisted after insertion.
Sometimes the only solution is to find a new problem.
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
False economic assumptions are the root of all evil.
Sometimes silence is not golden, it's yellow.
Money is a lousy means of keeping score.
"Most popular" doesn't say anything about quality.
Raise ducks for quack profit.
How could anything alter reality for $9.95?
My brain is my second favorite organ.
The planet is uninhibited.
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. - Brendan Gill
Information wants to be anthropomorphized.
One of my favorite ways to end a game is to win!
Fun may be the most important discipline of all. - Sally Ann Farrar
Good advice is an insult that should be forgiven.
If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.
1492: Native Americans discover Columbus lost at sea.
Satyrs have more faun.
Procreation does not require writing bad poetry.
I seized the moment but found no place to put it.
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. - M. Kathleen Casey
You can't be late until you show up.
It's more fun contemplating someone else's navel than your own.
Higher education isn't proof against greater stupidities.
People will do odd things if you give them money.
Seeing is believing; touching is more fun.
Purring is the sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
I have no tanlines.  Wanna see?
Quire the inquiry, sert the insertable.
All Bibles are man-made. - Thomas Edison
Be creative; invent a perversion.
May I buy less government, please?
Nouns and pronouns have gender; people have sex.
Cats are around to remind us why we need opposable thumbs.
Dreams are sometimes catching. - Rush
How do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems?
Sexy women are nature's way of saying 'Keep it up'.
I tried to reform them, but they ended up twisting my mind.
Some people are wise, some are otherwise.
I'll play fair if I get to make up the rules.
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
There is no justice, just mercy. - Adrian Paul
Some cures are worse than the disease.
If it happens, it must be possible. - Law of Possibility
It is not death, but dying which is terrible. - Henry Fielding
Maybe we evolved because the Earth wanted some plastic.
Natural selection favors psychological denial.
Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting. - Robert Heinlen
The brainwashed do not know they are brainwashed.
Abandoning my search for fantasy, I now search for truth.
Respect is a rational process. - McCoy
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. - Rule of Defactualization
Science: What and how. Religion: Who and why.
If people listened to themselves more, they would talk less.
Sex relieves tension; love makes tension.
No amount of studying will lead to the truth.
Superiority is recessive.
Virtue is insufficient temptation. - George Bernard Shaw
Matrimony is a sort of friendship recognized by the police. - Robert Louis Stevenson
Whatever you can not understand; you can not possess.
Too much of a good thing is wonderful. - Mae West
I absolutely claim fallibility.
Well-adjusted means not getting nervous over making the same mistake twice.
You never have to outrun anything you can outwit.
The cat is not lost; his waveform has temporarily collapsed.
Goldfish are about as affectionate as tea bags.
I don't collect weird; I create weird.
A dirty book is seldom dusty. - Zall's Law
Nobody notices when things go right. - Zimmerman's Law of complaints
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees. - JJ Furnas
An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex. - Edgar Wallace
Warning: there is art hanging in the art building.
When women go wrong, men go right after them. - Mae West
A computer cuts your work in half and gives you back the bloody ends.
An apology is a good way to have the last word.
You took umbrage?  Where was it?
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Don't use blood for invocations, you'll get hemogoblins.
Is your eschatology apocalyptic?
It could be worse: Loki, Eris, and Bes could open a law office.
My mind kept wandering so I packed it a picnic lunch.
Most minds should be cultivated; some should be plowed under.
Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
You must stop taking advice from other people.
'Is' is the verb for when you don't want a verb.
The brain is an educational toy. - Tom Robbins
Wit is cultured insolence. - Aristotle
Any day can be the beginning of a new year.
Doctrine is the skin of truth set up and stuffed.
If you want to hide your face, walk naked.
Ignore your health and it will go away.
Learning makes people fit company for themselves.
When everyone thinks alike, then everyone is stupid.
Where there is no shame, there is no honor. - African Proverb
Don't let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. - Issac Asimov
Keep the police on their toes, steal their squad cars.
If you can't say something nice, say something surreal.
Ignorant: Knowledge-based nonpossessor.
Perception is usually more persuasive than reality.
A lady is one who only shows her underwear intentionally.
An attacker must vanquish, a defender need only survive.
Anything not a constant, is not a commandment from God.
Discoveries are often made by not following instructions. - Frank Tyger
I consider a brownie and ice cream my just desserts.
Never call a man a fool, instead, borrow from him.
No facts are sacred, none are profane.
Punctuality is the thief of time. - Oscar Wilde
Teenagers are your punishment for enjoying sex.
The best audience is intelligent, well-educated, and drunk.
Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
All things are difficult before they are easy. - Thomas Fuller
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. - Voltaire
Some people have a way with words, while others ... um ... thingy.
Life is one silly thing after another; love is two silly things after each other.
If you take the plunge, return it by Tuesday.
A free society is one where it's safe to be unpopular. - Adlai E. Stevenson
Acting without thinking can be awfully entertaining.
Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit, and allows you to do things that would get you thrown in jail if you really tried them.
The first step to a person's heart is to confuse the heck out of 'em.
Tolkien is hobbit-forming.
Trees hit cars only in self-defense.
When governments fall, people like me are lined up and shot. - Quark
Even Jello can be violent in the wrong hands.
May I pinch you to see if I'm dreaming?
Be good and you'll be lonely. - Mark Twain
Life sucks, but Death swallows.
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all. - William Safire
Blow your mind, smoke gunpowder.
It feels great to wake up and not know what day it is, doesn't it?
If I were you I'd dance naked in the middle of the street just to embarrass you.
Never give a sword to a man that can't dance. - Bushido Maxim
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. - RFC 1925
It's easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. - Leonardo da Vinci
Rowing is only a magical ceremony by means of which one compels a demon to move the boat. - Nietzsche
Clinical studies show that there are no answers.
They say to beware of pronouns with indefinite antecedents.
My family's coat-of-arms ties in the back.
Never do your enemies a minor injury.
I remember a time when finding green blood on my suitcase would disturb me. - Matt Roberts
Experience is what you get when you expected something else.
My identity lies in not knowing who I am.
Happiness is not a destination, but a manner of traveling.
People don't see the world as it is, but as they are. - Nadine Hodges
Conformity obstructs progress.
Don't confuse anatomy with pornography.
Pi is equal to 3; nature has a nasty habit of using base 10.472.
Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons.
It is not disbelief that is dangerous to our society; it is belief. - George Bernard Shaw
The only weapon against bad ideas is better ideas. - A. Whitney Griswold
All good technology should be used to piss off people's parents. - Neil Gaiman
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. - Dave Barry
If time is on your side what is on the other side?
Where do thoughts go when you stop thinking them? 
Nothing is more fatal to maidenly delicacy of speech than the run of a good library. - Robertson Davies
Sufficiently advanced political correctness is indistinguishable from sarcasm. - Eric Naggum
People that are really weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. - Dan Quayle
I'm an apatheist. The question is no longer interesting, and the answer no longer matters.
We are either doing something, or we are not; 'Talking about' is a subset of 'not'.
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
I too seek the light, so long as it tastes great and is not too filling.
The best packed information most resembles random noise.
A wish is a desire without an attempt. - Farmer Digest
An education should include knowledge of what to do with it.
How can there be self-help groups?
Without society, there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences. - Robert G. Ingersoll
Are statisticians normal?
A fool-proof society tends to create fools.
Freudian Slips are the underwear of ideas.
How can you tell when the blue cheese goes bad?
Inertia makes the world go round.
Optimization hinders evolution. - Alan Perlis
Science is preconception meeting verification.
The best defense against logic is stupidity.
The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers.
Does your vorpal blade go snicker-snack, or does it just snicker?
Reality is a function of perception.
Fine: Tax on doing wrong. Tax: Fine on doing right.
I'd like to poison your mind with wrong ideas that appeal to you. - TMBG
The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. - Dave Barry
The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks.
Remember, anything you do will increase the disorder in the universe.
Help, my morals have fallen and I, oooh, um, never mind.
I'm a member of the Immoral Minority.
There are two ways to be rich: make more or need less.
All my life, I've been a pushover for godesses who jiggled.
Write drunk, but edit sober. - Mark Twain
The difference between theory and practice is, in theory: there is no difference.
What fools these morals be.
Don't let your willpower get the best of you.
Hell exists because God loves you. - Mikey Hardy
The only instinctive user interface is the nipple.
A sphere is a really pointless shape.
'I know' is just 'I believe' with delusions of grandeur.
A baby is lots more fun than differential equations.
Being right too soon is socially unacceptable. - Robert A. Heinlein
My life is not organized around high probability events.
Bad girl!  Go to my room.
I can see more on my knees than on my tiptoes.
Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago. - Bernard Berenson
If you do not follow Santa, you follow the Grinch.
They must have been praying to some cheap, off-brand god. - J. Vee
No process, event, or situation has ever improved under media scrutiny.
If you're bored, you're not paying attention. - Nikki Giovanni
If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the investigators to die slowly, don't have the audacity to look surprised when they show up to foil you.
Desperate times call for cheap shots.
Does water sink or float? - L.T.
He who takes credit for rain will be blamed for drought.
Tact is for people not witty enough to be sarcastic.
Do ministers do more than lay people?
A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults. - Louis Nizer
Evolution is nature's way of issuing updates.
The point of a teacher is to raise more questions.
Give it an understanding, but no tongue. - William Shakespeare
Normality will be restored as soon as we're sure what it is.
Some people confuse boredom with security.
I traffic in ambiguity.
Ignorance is bliss, but it will never replace sex. - Scott Melzer
Fish are hard to toilet train.
Would you do it for a scooby snack?
The more detailed the map, the more lost you get.
Being funny doesn't mean you aren't serious.
Existentialism elevates chronic anxiety to the metaphysical.
Some folks are too polite to be up to any good.
NyQuil is the guzzling staggering whyamIonthekitchenfloor medicine.
The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.
Some people take LSD to make the world weird, while others take Prozac to make it normal.
Don't be different; everyone's doing it.
Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong. - John G. Diefenbaker
"Special Forces" should involve electric wheelchairs with 25mm chainguns.
I'll try being nicer, if you try being smarter.
Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - Fred Allen
All Scottish food is based on dares.
Gather 'round like sheep and ye shall be herd.
A long dispute means both parties are wrong. - Voltaire
It's amazing how mature wisdom resembles being tired.
Lawyers are the reason that we need lawyers.
Snakes don't have tails; snakes are tails.
The voices told me I'm not crazy.
War is peace; freedom is slavery; ketchup is a vegetable.
The trouble with real life is that there's no background music.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Don't trust the government that wouldn't trust you.
Never steal anything small.
The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.
Light bulbs don't emit light, they suck darkness.
Use of power gains respect or fear, while restraint of use of power gains admiration.
A family reunion can be an effective form of birth control.
Spell checkers are for whumps.
Most of the Universe plays hard-to-get.
Conventionality is not morality and self-righteousness is not religion. - Charlotte Bronte
Mechanical engineers build weapons, while civil engineers build targets.
I find your lack of pants disturbing.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.
Popularity is a social disease.
Due to recent cutbacks, all clouds will now be lined with zinc.
Music, sex, and cookies!
Could someone please explain the rules to the barbarians?
Laziness can easily be mistaken for patience.
You say tomato, I say tomato.
Religion is superstition enslaving a philosophy. - Inge
Taxes are not designed to be fair, they're designed to raise money.
The more you put up with, the more you're going to get.
The trouble with trouble is that it always starts out as fun.
"Fun" isnt disel powered.
Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
You train people how to treat you by how you treat yourself. - Martin Rutte 
Science is everything we understand well enough to explain to a computer; art is everything else.
Learning from your mistakes is smart; learning from the mistakes of others is wise.
Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. - Evelyn Waugh
Everything's temporary if you give it enough time. - Jewel
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 
Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes. 
Nnassty kinky, thieving, hobbitses.
Guns don't kill people; they just make it easier.
Standardize Latin to a single grammatical model, or learn the true meaning of HELLFIRE! - Matt Roberts
Magic is something that works and has the desired affect but you don't know why.
Infinite forces are kind of unphysical. - Andres
When something's being rammed down your throat it's very hard to want it anymore. - Celia Farber
Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats.  - O'Neill
Biology grows on you.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Education can not be substituted for intelligence.
Patience will come to he who waits for it.
Remember: we're after results, not consequences.
Logic merely enables one to be wrong with authority.
There are no answers, only cross-references.
If worst comes to worst, you can turn most things off.
I'm sick; I ought to be home in bed with a nurse.
Good things don't make up for bad things; they're simply different things. - Rob Spence
Misanthropology is the study of why people are so stupid and why most of them should die.
Of course, a certain number of scientists have to go mad, just to keep the tradition alive.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
I took a baby shower.
If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? - Robert Moses
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
Sex is just a sublimation of the math urge.
Ignoring your body can lead to all kinds of tedious and exasperating side effects such as sudden death. - John Walker
The major civilizing force in the world is not religion, it is sex.
Words mean things.
The universe is not indifferent to intelligence, it is actively hostile to it.
Parents' groups exist to be alarmed. - Harlan Ellison
All the ills of democracy can be cured by more democracy.
A Censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to. 
If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. 
I plead contemporary insanity.
At least when you fail, no one is jealous.
Funny, these cookies don't taste anything like Girl Scouts.
I wired my dryer backwards and now it spits out extra socks.
It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
Parallel lines do meet, but only incognito.
Coincidence happens.
I am not epistemologically challenged.
Was there foreplay before the Big Bang? - Rey Barry
A religion that forgives sin, encourages sin.
Cheese is milk reaching for immortality.
To get rid of a pest, attract his enemies.
Everyone in court is under oath but the lawyers.
Marriage is breeding in captivity.
The milk of human kindness never hits the fan.
Cocaine is God'ss way of telling you that you make too much money.
The superego is soluble in alcohol. - Erica Jong
If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to  build a second one.
Never trust anything you can eat.
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Education is the best defence against the media.
What can you draw with an Escher-Sketch?
You can not reason a man out of a position he did not reach through reason.
Dying usually isn't a good career move.  Of course, it worked for Elvis.
Defend the Constitution from all enemies, foreign and elected.
Is it really 'all-purpose' flour?
If I'm normal, who's weird?
Life is recursive.
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right.
By following the good, you learn to be good.
Moebius strippers never show you their back side.
Men are not punished for their sins, but by them.
Only he who knows what is enough will always have enough. - Lao Tzu
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that's not why we do it. - Richard Feynman
Against folly we have no defense.
Try to name one country that's taxed itself into prosperity.
Names are the symbols of things.
'God told me' is no excuse for stupidity.
A lady is a woman who makes a gentleman act like one.
Never argue over unimportant details, for even if you win, you'll have gained no advantage.
I'm wobbling, and I can't fall down! - Weeble
Your daily life is your temple and your religion. - Gibran
Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
Never confuse faith with religion.
I love the women's movement, especially from behind!
There are some acts of justice which corrupt those who perform them. - Joubert
I always wear real fur; the cats sleep on the laundry.
If our gifts are not surrendered to God, we tend to beat people over the head with them.
Cats don't get into mischief, cats are mischief.
If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?
Never trust the ale of a god fearing people.
Life has a lot of undocumented features.
An optimist cannot be pleasantly surprised.
People with opinions go around bothering each other.
Every person you meet knows something you don't.
Never eat a euphemism.
A closed mind gathers no intelligence.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Computers run on faith, not electrons.
I like the sound of flowers dying.
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
Support wildlife, throw parties!
All interfaces, however badly developed, have personality - Topffer
Here, have a plant's reproductive organs, on a stick.
A distraction is only a distraction if you pay attention to it.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
Time spent playing with your cat is not deducted from your lifespan.
Television is a corporate vulgarity.
Love is a system for getting someone to call you 'darling' after sex.
Every day is judgment day!
Karma is justice, without the satisfaction.
It's great to be smart, because then you know stuff.
Tact is rubbing out another's mistake instead or rubbing it in.
Burn the haystack to find the needle.
A fertile mind requires a lot of dirt.
Mistakes will happen, but don't give them too much help.
A little knowledge isn't enough.
No matter who you vote for, the government wins.
Progress implies a direction.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is constant, yet the population is growing.
Please be warned: some words may be offensive to those who find certain combinations of letters offensive.
Facts are not dependant upon your beliefs.
If you're not limited, you can't be creative.
A subversive is anyone who can out-argue their government.
I can see your point of view, but it's still wrong.
I'm not cheating, I'm practicing team skills.
A circle is a line that meets its other end without ending.
A programmer is a biological system designed to convert caffeine and sugar into code.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
Anime: drugs would be cheaper.
You can't embarrass yourself without an audience!
Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
We are all God's children, by a previous marriage.
Every problem can be solved by ripping a hole in the fabric of reality.
I prefer to remain anomalous.
Sex isn't over-rated, it's over-analyzed.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
If everyone else gets a flu shot, you don't need one.
The best way to win an argument is to be right.
Try to communicate, it can't make things any worse.
Be very careful, or I'll include you in my plans.
I wish I had been born with an unfair advantage, instead of having to acquire one.
It is easier to be the result of the past than a cause of the future.
You can never discard too many bad ideas.
A fair fight is the result of poor planning.
The main differences between a schizophrenic and a mystic is control and discernment.
It doesn't have to be our fault to be our responsibility. - Paul Robertson
Inside jokes amongst friends serve as a sort of hash table mechanism for memories. - zman
You know your god is man-made when he hates all the same people you do.
People who do stupid things with hazardous materials often die. - Jim Davidson
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
Trust your cynicism.
Never underestimate the power of what people want to believe.
The current administration thanks you for your apathy.
You have to be polite to your livestock when it's armed and dangerous. - Alaric
Psychology is just reverse-engineering people. - C.B.
Accurate communication is only possible in a nonpunishing situation.
Your epidermis is showing!
Just because something's toxic doesn't mean it's not tasty.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Life is short, make fun of it.
You never get away, you only get someplace else.
It is not the coldest girl who gets the mink coat.
Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
The best revenge in this world is to forgive.
Some things are worth seeing, but not worth going to see.
The cost of living is killing me.
Silly is a state of mind, stupid is a way of life.
I childproofed my house, but they still get in.
Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.
Have you ever seen something in whack?
In the army, you meet interesting people, but you have to kill them.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment.
I am not a crackpot; I am a teapot.
Caffeine isn't a drug, it's a vitamin.
A religion is organized intolerance.
'Stupid' is a boundless concept.
I seized the day, but it struggled free and slapped me in the face.
If you are extremely dull, maybe the evil soul-suckers will just go away.
Does reverse psychology work with the gods?
Atheists disbelieve in one more religion than fanatics.
The penalty for polygamy is more mother-in-laws.
The most enjoyable form of sexual education is the Braille method.
The suburbs are where the trees are cut down and streets are named after them.
If a law from the left is usually stupid, and from the right is usually evil, then 'Bipartisan' just means it's stupid and evil.
Just because they have uniforms doesn't mean they're sane.
Dull people have immaculate homes.
Never try to extort more than it would cost to have you killed.
If you don't push your limits, how do you know what they are?
Ignorance is a fault, not an excuse.
The best solution uses the fewest assumptions.
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who need closure. - Mark Schmidt
How can I fail when I have no purpose?
Never itch for anything you aren't willing to scratch for.
Cruel and unusual punishments work better.
Patience and time do more than strength or passion.
The difference between solitude and loneliness is the quality of the company we keep.
The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.
Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you will help them become what they are capable of becoming. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Anyone who doesn't make mistakes isn't trying hard enough. - Wess Roberts
All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind. - Aristotle
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. - Charles Schulz
Always choose the path of good, the highway of evil is jammed.
The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
I believe in a God that doesn't need heavy financing. - Fletch
Abstinence is a good thing if practiced in moderation.
I am the root of some evil, please send money.
The best armor is to keep out of range.
For your protection, we have taken your freedom.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
A box of dead, colorful vegetation for any occasion.
Doctors never save lives, they just prolong them.
Religous wars cause people to kill each other over imaginary friends.
It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning. - Calvin
Religion is the fashoinable substitute for spirituality.
I'm a virgin, but I'm just not very good at it.
If you have to be responsible, it's not power.
A sense of decency is often a decent man's undoing.
Art is a passion pursued with discipline; science is a discipline pursued with passion.
Even the most faithful believer can serve a false god.
If the first person who answers the phone can't handle your question, then it's a bureaucracy.
Never claim as a right that which you can ask as a favor.
Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and finding the farmer's daughter.
Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even more important than it is between strangers.
Goals are dreams with deadlines.
Stupid friends are dangerous.
Peace isn't always glamorous or exciting, but it's healthy.
Nothing says 'oops' like a wall of flame. - Marion Winik
Evil is lemon scented.
Always cheat, always win. - Clint Smith
Dinosaurs are extinct because they didn't have a space program.
Bill Gates is a Persian cat and a monocle away from being a villain in a James Bond movie. - Dennis Miller
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
The 2nd amendment is for when the government outlaws the 1st.
The beauty of a pun is in the argh of the beholder.
The invincible weapon against the evils of earth is the caring heart.
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.
Inanimate objects are inherently spiteful.
Physics is to math as sex is to masturbation. - R. Feynman
If your stance is good you're probably not moving fast enough. - Tony